I find myself deeply saddened--although not as much by the opinions expressed as by the divisive reactions they cause. I don't know if the opinions are intended to stir up contention, but they certainly do. Yesterday I read a blog post about modesty, another blog post responding to the original post, comments, a parody of the original post, more comments... These women (many of whom are members of the Church) rip each other apart with their words. I woke up this morning with the topic still on my mind, and it made my heart feel heavy. I keep asking myself: Why are these women, many of whom share the same Christian faith, so mean to each other? And why do they express their disagreements in such a disagreeable way?
This morning for scripture study I turned to the scriptures and researched the topic of contention. Did you know that there are more than 80 scriptures about contention in the Book of Mormon alone? Here are a few of my faves:
- 3 Ne. 11:29 --> Contention is of the devil, the father of contention.
- Alma 19:28 --> Sometimes our well-intentioned actions or words can unintentionally stir up contention.
- Alma 51:16 --> Contentions and dissensions had been a cause of the Nephites' destruction.
- Mosiah 4:14-15 --> We are commanded not to allow our children to fight and quarrel with one another.
- Elder Holland's Conference talk "The Tongue of Angels" also comes to mind.
On my mission some people would want to discuss or argue or confirm false information and stereotypes about the US or Americans. I remember one man who was convinced (because he saw a video on Youtube) that Pres Obama was going to create and enforce a law that would require all Americans to keep the sabbath day holy. This often frustrated me because I didn't want my nationality to be a distraction but I also didn't want people to be so uneducated. One companion from Argentina taught me a valuable lesson about diffusing contention: She suggested that when people say something derogatory about my country that I respond with love, and tell them how much I care for and appreciate and value Chileans and their country and culture. I wished I had thought of that humble action instead of my defensive reaction.
ReplyDeleteThe Tongue of Angels is a great one, also part of this Maxwell talk touches language and communication.
"Conversations and decisions in which we engage, even if they seem small, expose the heart and the mind and their furnishings. Brigham Young once said, "You cannot hide the heart, when the mouth is open" (JD 6:74)." -Neal A. Maxwell, The Pathway of Discipleship
Also I just LOVE this talk! Our Refined Heavenly Home by Elder Douglas R. Callister, he speaks about language but I think it applies.
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/06/our-refined-heavenly-home?lang=eng
I love that you included Alma 19:28 in your list. Good principle.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed a lot of hostile exchanges on facebook and on comment sections of news articles, that are similar to those that you have mentioned. And as intrigued as I am by the topics and potential dialogue on such topics, and despite my desire to understand the various sides so that I can be conversant regarding them and study them out, I have often found it necessary to avoid such threads because the contention interferes with my ability to feel the Spirit.
A good example of avoiding contention in the scriptures is evidenced in the first several verses of 1 Nephi 5. Sariah, who is acting out of emotion is accusatory, and it would have been easy for Lehi to have responded defensively, self-righteously, critically or in some other way that contributes to contention. Instead, he responding using what a cognitive behavioral therapist might describe as the disarming technique. He agrees with part of what was said (to the extent that it was true) and then explained in a non-defensive, non-accusatory way.
In avoiding contention, I also consider it important to recognize people as people. Often when we respond to ideas, people feel personally attacked. If it is possible to validate the person and the views they value, then they are more likely to hear a differing viewpoint.
Oftentimes, when people get contentious, it is because what they are arguing about is something they value, and because they don't feel heard or understood. So, to understand why they value what they do, and respect them in it, and to listen and affirm often helps defuse the tension and allow for healthy dialogue.
But at times, it is best to just avoid certain topics with certain people. I've even unfriended and blocked people who breed hostility or who disseminate doubts in their posts.