I've been thinking about a line from the The Family: A Proclamation the the World. It is one of my favorites: "Successful marriage and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities."
I remember having a conversation with a friend about the Proclamation. She was memorizing it at the time, and I was re-memorizing it. She asked which of those principles I felt my family was good at, and which ones there were most room for improvement. And we discussed ways to establish families on individual principles. So I thought I'd ask those questions. What have y'all found yourself to be good at establishing, and how do you establish a family on those principles? And what ideas do you have for establishing families and marriages on these principles.
And...discuss.
I remember having a conversation with a friend about the Proclamation. She was memorizing it at the time, and I was re-memorizing it. She asked which of those principles I felt my family was good at, and which ones there were most room for improvement. And we discussed ways to establish families on individual principles. So I thought I'd ask those questions. What have y'all found yourself to be good at establishing, and how do you establish a family on those principles? And what ideas do you have for establishing families and marriages on these principles.
And...discuss.
Did you notice that there's an article about this quote in this month's Ensign? :o)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lds.org/liahona/2013/06/nine-principles-for-a-successful-marriage-and-family?lang=eng
Speaking of my little family (as opposed to my parents' family), I think one thing we do well is the "wholesome recreational activities." Scott's really good about making recreation a priority when he's home. He's gone a lot, so he makes it a point to take us out to do something fun when he is around--because he knows it's hard for me to get out with two (now three) little kids. We've had a lot of fun exploring Toledo: the zoo, the art museum, the botanical gardens, parks, etc. It would be really easy for Scott to come home and just sit down in front of the TV to unwind, so I appreciate that he makes wholesome recreation a priority.
What can we improve on? The one that stands out to me is prayer. We are consistent about having family prayer and companionship prayer every night. We're not as good about morning prayer; we haven't made a habit of it yet. This worries me, as it reminds me of a story I came across as a missionary:
"President James E. Faust, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, once told of an interview President Kimball held with a bishop. President Kimball asked the bishop how often he held family prayer. The bishop responded that he tried to hold family prayer twice a day, but that his family probably averaged only once a day. The prophet answered: 'In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.'”
I also think of something that Elder Bednar said when he visited Mom and Dad's stake in Mesa. He said something to the effect of, "I can't promise that you will keep them if you do [referring to children living the Gopsel], but I can promise that you will lose them if you don't." (I heard this secondhand a couple years ago, so hopefully I'm not spouting false doctrine.)
In addition to the issue of consistency is the issue of prayer quality. I feel like my prayers and scripture study were awesome on my mission, and since I've been home I've had a hard time duplicating that level of awesome-ness. On my mission it was easy because I had investigators and new converts to pray for and study for. It's harder for me to pray and study for myself. But I guess I just need to pray for and study for my kids and the sisters I serve in my calling like I used to study for investigators and converts.
Here's one strategy that I've had success with in the past: prayer journal. Before praying at night, sit down and reflect a little. Write about a prayer that was answered that day. Write about one specific blessing or tender mercy, unique to that day, that you're grateful for. Write about one thing specific to that day that you'd like to repent of / improve on. After writing, then pray. Having reflected beforehand, you'll have specific things to thank Heavenly Father for and ask forgiveness for. (This is adapted from something Elder Kikuchi said to a group of missionaries in South Korea several years ago.)
The prayer journal idea is obviously more suited to personal prayer than family / companionship prayer, but it's helped me to improve my prayers when I have implemented it.
There's also an article about improving prayer in this month's Ensign: http://www.lds.org/liahona/2013/06/improving-your-personal-prayers?lang=eng.
And here's one good article on the subject of family prayer: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/02/no-substitute-for-family-prayer?lang=eng#pop_001-21902_000_006.
As for my parents' family... I would say that we're good at working together and could maybe improve on respect.
ReplyDeleteYou've got your work horses and your show horses. Ellsworths are definitely work horses. I have good memories of us working together--sanding pipe fences, helping Dad mend a box spring that I broke, painting the house, working in the garden, etc. If you look at the larger extended family, you'll see even more examples of working together: building barns, welding trailers, etc., etc.
As for respect, I remember Mom trying to guilt trip us into being nicer to Kristi. I remember teasing Nori a fair amount. I remember the summer that we spent sharing a room because we couldn't get along with each other. We outgrew it for the most part--and I can say that my siblings are my best friends now--but I think there are still occasional respect issues. I know Mom gets teased a fair amount, for example. (And I know I'm as guilty of this as anyone.)
I think it was yesterday that I was watching an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" on Amazon Prime while I was folding laundry. Scott came home from work and commented how mean they all were to each other. (It's a show about a married couple, the husband's brother, and the husband's parents--who live across the street.) I hadn't really thought about it; I just thought it was funny to watch and could identify with some of the situations that came up.
I wonder if TV is partly (largely?) to blame for the lack of respect in our culture and families. We're socialized to think it's funny and entertaining when people put one another down in witty ways.
Here's a good article from last month's Friend about this: http://www.lds.org/friend/2013/05/above-the-line?lang=eng.
Anyway: What do you think, sistas?
I would have said the exact thing that Emily said on our parents' family. I kind of love that our family teases so much; it seems to be my special way of bonding, especially with Jeff. But I realize that it probably doesn't invite the Spirit as much, so it's something that I'm working on. Also, I love the reference to show horses and work horses. Love that! Almost as much as our family motto, "Tacky as heck, but we sure get the job done!"
ReplyDeleteThere are many things that my little family can do better, but recently I have been thinking a lot about wholesome recreational activity. Travis and I like to do things together but it has become harder with Jimmy because he sleeps in the evening and Travis works all day. So by the time we have Jimmy in bed, it is late and all I feel like doing is either going to bed or watching a movie. We do good activities on the weekends, but I wish that we had a good hobby so that watching movies doesn't become a habit for me.
As for a strength, we have been focusing on faith and prayer. Travis and I like the tradition of Weekly Planning Meeting and we actually talked about this in our last one. We wanted to form good habits now with Jimmy so that it wouldn't get harder when he gets older. So we have already started to do our FHE, scripture study and family prayer with him. It seems kind of weird because he obviously doesn't care and usually sleeps, or cries, through the whole thing. It almost seems repetitive to say three sets of prayers in the morning--personal, companionship, and family prayer.
However, I like the idea that we are forming holy habits and righteous routines now before it is too late. I am also encouraged that even though Jimmy doesn't really appreciate it now, hopefully he will later. It made me think of Elder Bednar's talk from 2009. His talk "More Diligent and Concerned at the Home" lists three suggestions including "Be Consistent." Elder Bednar states,
"As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.
Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.
Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.
Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time."
I appreciate that lesson and hope to apply it. It's a great article: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/more-diligent-and-concerned-at-home?lang=eng
Love that talk, Nor! I love how he uses the example of the painting in his office to make his point. Reminds me of what President Sherwood said at your sealing. He talked about the "Big Three" (my term for family prayer, family scripture study, and family home evening). :o)
ReplyDeleteHe said that his first three children were girls. They were in the habit of always praying that they would get married in the temple. After their fourth child, a son, was born, his oldest daughter offered a prayer and added, “And please bless our brother that he will serve a mission.” Their family consistently prayed daily that they would all marry in the temple and that the boys would serve missions. He estimated that they must have prayed for that 14,000 times while their son was growing up. They ended up having nine children, and they have all married in the temple, and all of the boys have served missions.
Also, he said that his children have done the math, and they probably had about 1,400 family home evenings together. According to his kids, only two of them were perfect. But now that his children are all grown, whenever they all get together they always want to hold a family home evening.
Our family prayers, family scripture study, and family home evenings are interesting--to say the least. Half the time the girls are running around like crazies. :o) It'll probably never be easy. Once they outgrow the short attention span phase, they'll probably start the grumpy teenager phase.
But it's worth the effort! I remember toward the end of my mission, Sister Lifferth (of the Primary general presidency) gave a conference talk and said this:
"Knowing that we teach of Christ and His gospel, how do we do it? Begin by following the counsel of our prophets and making time in our homes for family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Have we heard that counsel so often that it seems too simple? Or are we so busy that adding one more thing feels too complex? I testify that even when our family worship seems less than effective, obedience alone invites the blessings of the Lord."
As she spoke, I felt the Spirit testify that part of the reason we (our family) have been so blessed with so many amazing experiences and opportunities is because of our parents' diligence in doing the "Big Three," even when it wasn't easy.
When Scott and I were talking about getting engaged, that was my big criteria that I said I was looking for in a husband. I wanted to be sure that the man I married was as committed to the "Big Three" as I was. Because I feel like those three things are vital to family happiness / success.