Anyway, this idea of "present but absent" intrigues me, and not just as it relates to parents. It can also apply to dating or any relationship:
The other big obstacle that lends to being "present but absent" is technology. I love the way Allison made the goal to limit her computer time and blogged about it to make herself accountable (kind of ironic, but a good idea). Now she doesn't even have internet at home to minimize the temptation. (I tried that for a two or three years and loved it! I can't get away with it now because I need regular internet access for my online teaching.)
Anyway, two good talks on the subject:
- Elder Bednar's "Things As They Really Are" -- http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/0,7341,538-1-61-1681,00.html
- Elder Scott's "For Peace At Home" -- http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/for-peace-at-home?lang=eng
"You live in a world where technological advances occur at an astounding pace. It is difficult for many of my generation to keep up with the possibilities. Depending on how technology is used, these advances can be a blessing or a deterrent. Technology, when understood and used for righteous purposes, need not be a threat but rather an enhancement to spiritual communication.
"For example, many of us have a personal electronic device that fits into our pocket. We are seldom without its company; we may refer to it many times a day. Unfortunately, these devices can be a source of filth and wasted time. But, used with discipline, this technology can be a tool of protection from the worst of society.
"Who could have imagined not very many years ago that the full standard works and years of general conference messages would fit into your pocket? Just having them in your pocket will not protect you, but studying, pondering, and listening to them during quiet moments of each day will enhance communication through the Spirit.
"Be wise in how you embrace technology. Mark important scriptures on your device and refer back to them frequently. If you young people would review a verse of scripture as often as some of you send text messages, you could soon have hundreds of passages of scripture memorized. Those passages would prove to be a powerful source of inspiration and guidance by the Holy Ghost in times of need."
Your comment on the study made me think of Sis. Wixom's talk from the latest General Conference. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-words-we-speak?lang=eng
ReplyDeleteOne section focused on Disconnect and Listen with Love. She says,
"Dr. Neal Halfon, a physician who directs the UCLA Center for Healthier Children, Families, and Communities, refers to “parental benign neglect.” One example involved an 18-month-old and his parents:
“‘Their son seemed happy, active and engaged, clearly enjoying time and pizza with his parents. … At the end of dinner, Mom got up to run an errand, handing over care to Dad.’
“Dad … started reading phone messages while the toddler struggled to get his attention by throwing bits of pizza crust. Then the dad re-engaged, facing his child and playing with him. Soon, though, he substituted watching a video on his phone with the toddler until his wife returned.
“… [Dr.] Halfon observed a dimming of the child’s internal light, a lessening of the connection between parent and child.”
The answer to our prayer of how to meet our children’s needs may be to more often technologically disconnect. Precious moments of opportunity to interact and converse with our children dissolve when we are occupied with distractions. Why not choose a time each day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with each other? Simply turn everything off. When you do this, your home may seem quiet at first; you may even feel at a loss as to what to do or say. Then, as you give full attention to your children, a conversation will begin, and you can enjoy listening to each other."
This actually answered one of my top questions that I had for General Conference, which was, "How can I become a better mother and wife?" The Holy Ghost prompted me to realize that I spent too much time on the computer. Before I justified it with being in school but I definitely don't have that excuse now. Thus, I've tried to put goals to limit my internet use, or watching movies, or reading, or talking on the phone; so I can do what matters most--spend more time with the family and serving them.
I love Elder Bednar's devotional on the topic and I also love how they made it into a Mormon Message. Travis and I talked about our favorites a while ago and this one is definitely mine. http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages/mormon-messages-2011?lang=eng#2011-10-006-things-as-they-really-are
And just for fun and because it also applies, here is Travis's favorite Mormon message: http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages/mormon-messages-2011?lang=eng#2011-06-012-moments-that-matter-most
LOVE!
Thank you! I was trying to remember who gave this talk!
DeleteI came across another good one this morning with a lot of great ideas in it. I will definitely be using some of these now and as the kids get older. I highly recommend it:
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/02/keeping-safe-and-balanced-in-a-google-youtube-twitter-facebook-ieverything-world?lang=eng
Im glad you posted that Mormon Message Nor! I forgot about that one and its great!
ReplyDeleteTechnology aside, Emily's post reminded me of Elder Hale's talk, Our Duty to God. Our time and attention are some of the most meaningful gifts can we give to friends and family. He said, "For our interactions with youth to truly touch their hearts, we have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a trusted adult colleague or close friend. Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then being willing to listen—yes, listen and listen some more—even hearken with spiritual ears! Several years ago I was reading the newspaper when one of my young grandsons snuggled up to me. As I read, I was delighted to hear his sweet voice chattering on in the background. Imagine my surprise when, a few moments later, he pushed himself between me and the paper. Taking my face in his hands and pressing his nose up to mine, he asked, “Grandpa! Are you in there?”
To the missionaries Elder Bednar taught this pattern:
Ask inspired questions
Listen
Discern
Act (teach to needs)
Turns out this doesn't apply solely to missionaries and investigators. I am certainly grateful for our grandparents who didn't caught up by technology. Don't you think relationships are more fulfilling when they are based on sharing quality time and not text messages?
This also reminds me of Elder Bednar teaching not to turn inwards to self, but turn outward towards Christ. When he gave a devotional in Mesa that was of the biggest themes. Nothing looks more inward than someone texting when they are surrounded by people.
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